and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
