the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
