i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
is wine microwaveable?
Come see our sink grown plant.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
