what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
