I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
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