She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
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