In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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