remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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