My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
