As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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