and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize