Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
