Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
