Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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