i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
