Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
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