well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
