I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
