oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
