I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
