I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
