I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
