my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
