I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
