When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
