he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
ttyl tear gas
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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