I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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