I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Randomize
