Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
