I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It's not a walk of shame if you run
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
