is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
