Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
True college students do jello shots in the library
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