i may or may not be watching the land before time
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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