and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
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she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
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I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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