Don't make out with my wife yet
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
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The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
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Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
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