Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
