he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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