i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
