i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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