I think I died a long time ago.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
