Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
