I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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