Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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