when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
