She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
