I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Randomize
