so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
All I want is dick and wine.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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