we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
