remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
