the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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