there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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