Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
porn star boner night. come get it.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
