i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
