I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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