At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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