My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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