Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
