Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
