Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
